Cutting Room Floor
by Bookworm1986
Summary: Missing scenes from season 1 now complete. A lot of focus on the emotional/psychological aspects which is what Season 1 did best. Brody and Carrie, individually, with others and each other. Season 2 now added (at chapter 18). Complete for now.
1. AlieNation

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N I said when I finished "I have to say" that I wasn't done with Brody and I'm not. He's back! And Carrie's with him too. Missing scenes with them individually, them with others...and together! Probable that I will have more than one chapter for each episode. This first one is Brody in the Pilot.

Please let me know what you think. Please review.

* * *

The cold air hit him hard in his face and forced him to breath sharply as it entered his lungs. He felt it chill his very bones as it penetrated his clothes. It was early and quiet, but even if it hadn't been he doubted anyone would question what he was doing, not when they realised who he was. After all, why shouldn't the American hero gaze upon the White House?

He hadn't been able to sleep, had decided a run would help. He'd been wrong. The events of the past few days had decided to join him. The lies, oh yes, the lies, breeding already.

"Were you there?", Helen Walker asked him about Tom's death.

"No", he had answered. So easily. Much too easily the lie crossed his lips.

His eyes darted up and down the full length of the White House. He observed it as he had done mostly everything since he had returned home, from a distance, robotically and mechanically. Doing what was expected of him.

He may as well have been a tourist seeing it for the first time. It felt strange to him, as if he had only ever seen it in pictures before which was never quite the same. Except that he wasn't staring in admiration and wonder, but disgust and anger.

_"It will be difficult Nicholas. You will have to familiarise yourself with your old life without allowing it to distract you, to stir your emotions. _

_"I can do it."_

_Nazir observed him for several minutes before nodding his head in approval._

_"We have much to prepare", Nazir spoke, getting up from his seat and leaving the room._

Nazir had known he would follow and so he had. Nazir had not doubted his sincerity, but his ability to remain detached. Perhaps he had been right. The nausia had struck on the plane as though the sheer scale of what he was returning to do had only just occurred to him. Combined, with the reality of meeting his family again, the nausea hit like a tidal wave.

It had been awkward. Chris hadn't known what to do, had looked to him. He'd been just as clueless and reverted to what he knew well, the robotic comfort drilled into every soldier, with his son. He had even been unsure with Jess. But Dana, now she was a different story. He hugged his little girl for the first time in 8 years and it made sense to him. She radiated warmth. There was nothing hidden or unsure in her welcome.

The warmth had evaporated quickly. Not even 5 minutes alone with his family and he was meeting him...HIM. He contained his anger and masked it behind the good soldier act. In even less time he found himself in front of the cameras as Walden played "I can't hear you" with trained Marines like they were a bunch of 5 year olds at a Pantomime. Suddenly, overwhelmed and anxious, his fingers had moved like lightning, back and forth searching for the familiarity, comfort and calm that his prayer beads offered. Then, it was his turn to speak. He composed himself and told them what they wanted to hear.

Arriving back in their Street, his Street, he had hoped for some peace. Alas, a soldier's duty is never done. He could not fathom the stupidity of people lining the streets to hail him a hero. They knew nothing of his life for the past 8 years. "He stands here alive, so lets have a fucking parade". Had it always been the case that people were so utterly desperate and idiotic?

"_They will hero worship you, Nicholas."_

_"Why? I haven't done anything."_

_"Perhaps not yet. When you return all you will have to do is wear that uniform and smile. That will be will be seen as a symbol of American strength, of defiance and courage. That is how those in power will want you to be seen."_

_"And people will believe that?"_

_"Most of them. You will find Nicholas, from your new view of the world, that most people believe what they need to in order to live their lives as easily as possible."_

"_I don't remember it being like that before."_

_"It has always been like that, Nicholas. It's just that before you were one of those people, but now your eyes have been opened."_

Nazir had been right. He had worn the uniform, had smiled and that had been enough...for most people. Not for her though, that CIA lady intent on busting his balls at the debriefing_. _She was most definitely not stupid. He'd have to hope not to run into her again.

He may as well be a foreigner in a foreign land. Perhaps he was now. Looking at the White House, it seemed to him that it had not changed a bit in 8 years, but Nazir had prepared him for that.

_Beware, Nicholas, that which seems the same, familiar and comforting, for it is but a lie. It always has been. Now that you see what others cannot, this is the truth you shall know." _

With one last contemptuous look at the White House, he continued on his run.

* * *

Further A/N I absolutely loved the shock factor of having Brody stand in front of the White House the way they did and the implications they were making, which is why I chose it to start this fic off.


	2. Ostinato

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Terzima- Thank you as ever. It is a wonderful visual to finish the Pilot. I hope it will be captivating.

Lipamo - Thank you for the review. I hope to keep you curious. Without giving too much away...he's definitely confused and doesn't know how to deal with everything.

A/N Thank you to LilMisfit for your feedback and for pointing out that Brody is not standing staring at the White House but rather the Capitol Building. Apologies to any American readers for this mistake!

Chapter 2. Carrie from the Pilot. Please let me know what you think. Please review.

* * *

Sitting herself down on her sofa in front of the monitors, with a glass of wine for comfort, Carrie allowed herself a sigh of relief. It wouldn't do to relax completely, however. Now she had to come up with something to prove she was right. Nonetheless she felt some of the anxiety leave her in peace for the time being.

It was maddening though, seeing what others couldn't. Why didn't they see it? Eight years and they didn't think that was a problem? But of course, fucking Estes was more concerned about keeping Walden happy, to the extent everyone seemed happy to tip toe round the questions that really needed answering. Carrie was sure Sergeant Brody was lying about not having met Nazir. Her ass, he hadn't.

* * *

"Good night, dad!"

Carrie focussed on the monitor and watched the girl give her father a hug before going off to her own room. A look of terror briefly passed over his face as he realised it was time for bed. Carrie wasn't surprised after what had happened the first night back. Whatever reason he may be back for, he was clearly afraid of hurting his wife. He got into the bed, but was lying so close to the edge of it, he'd have been as well on the floor.

Carrie sighed. She couldn't allow herself to be blindsided by sympathy. She had a job to do. Seeing they were in bed, she lay down, putting her jazz music on to listen to. Thank goodness for Jazz. Soothing, comforting and relaxing. Allowing her to calm herself, to focus and see what everyone else missed...that was normally. Now it was providing her with answers as well. Repetition, repetition, repetition. Warm and peaceful, she drifted of to sleep.

* * *

Bang, Bang, BANG!

Carrie jerked awake, suddenly, disorientated at the noise. Sitting up on the sofa, rubbing her eyes trying to rub the sleep out of them and blinking to adjust to the morning light, she realised the noise was coming from the monitors or to be more precise, the Brody house. It was also loud enough for her to have heard over the Jazz that had lulled her to sleep in the first place.

Apparently Mrs Brody wasn't in a good mood judging by the way she was banging doors. Carrie reached for her note pad ready to note down anything as she hears the wife talking.

"Where's your father?"

"Went for a run", the boy answers his mother, not taking his eyes off of the TV.

"Went for a run? It's early!"

The boy just shrugs his shoulders.

So he was away for a run was he? It was quite early. Perhaps he couldn't sleep. He had seemed terrified at the prospect of getting into bed. She'd slept easier than she would have if it hadn't been for noticing what he was doing with his hands and bringing it to Saul's attention. It wasn't much, but it was something. No one else might take it seriously, but if there was a message, she'd find it. She made herself comfortable. This was how it was going to be now: wait, watch and learn; wait, watch and learn.


	3. Boxed in

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N Brody episode 2 "Grace". My take on what Brody is thinking for those 5 hours he's sitting in the corner of his room. In line with Brody being so traumtaised not everything he thinks will apparently make sense. The lines blur, if you see what I mean. Hopefully it comes across.

Please let me know what you think. Please review.

* * *

"Always make sure you have a way out. Never allow yourself to be trapped. Never let yourself be backed into a corner. Never allow yourself to be boxed in!"

"Why not?" Brody asked the nameless, faceless blurry man standing in front of him. He heard the words but they made no sense to him. The noise of the enemy. The enemy so many. He but one man, alone. Overwhelming, afraid. He slid down the wall past something. What are they? They're just blurs to him too. Incomprehnsible, unfamiliar. As low as he can go, as close to the wall as he can be. Hugging it, taking comfort from his best friend. The darkest, quietest corner of the room.

Noise, so much noise. He can hear them. They're close by. But they won't get to him here. No! They won't even see him. He's made himself small. He's safe. He just has to stay quiet. That horrible ringing noise. He's not fooled. They're trying to trick him, to make him think they're friends. He won't answer, he won't. It's getting louder and it won't stop. It's painful now. But he won't answer. No, No.

_"NO, I WON'T", throat raw, the words leave his mouth in a scream. He hears his own words as though far away from them. Apart from himself, disembodied, floating._

_"You, won't?", growls the quiet but dangerous voice of a man shrowded in darkness. _

_"Your foolish bravery and loyalty will not stave off the pain I will reek upon you", the man spoke ever so slowly, emphasising his words. Brody saw the intent in his eyes. Evil, pure evil, eyes livid. He saw the bat swinging towards his face, defenceless and powerless to stop it. SMASH. _

He feels himself raise his arms in defence of the swing, pushes himself back to the wall for safety, bangs his head. Vision blurry, he readjusts his eyes, blinking. Sighing, with relief. He's still safely in the corner, out of the way. He must have dozed off. No! He can't do that. He can still hear them. He must stay alert. He tries to relax himself, take deep breaths. The sudden banging noise reverberates through his bones, to his nerve endings, making his every muscle tense. He's rigid. Eyes closed. If I can't seem them, they won't see me. But ears perked for a clue as to where they are. They're trying to get sneaky again. But he won't move.

"Sergeant Brody!", he hears his name accompanied by more banging.

No! Don't answer. Stay low and quiet. Safe in the corner. The noise is getting louder, closer. Suddenly it stops. He lets out the anxious breath he had been holding in and opens his eyes. Fear courses through him in waves. NO! It can't be!

_They grabbed him by the arms and dragged him from his safe place. Smiling, maliciously one of them said, "you think we can't see you hiding in the corner like a pathetic little child. We will make you cry for your mother like a child too."_

* * *

_Pain, unimaginable pain. His entire body was on fire. Blurry figures moved in front of him. _

_"Water. Take some water", the blurry figure said to him._

_Was it real? He couldn't tell. He didn't care. "Mom?"_

"_No. Take some water", the blurry figure repeated._

_"Dad?"_

_The blurry figure smiled at him. __Brody smiled too. Safe, he was safe. He took some water. _

_"He's ready", he heard his father say as he reached and pulled Brody to his chest. Brody welcomed the comfort. "Dad", he sighed in relief._

"Dad? Dad?", Brody heard the voice of a young boy.

Brody's eyes opened wide, darted from side to side taking in the darkness engulfing him. Trick, this was another trick. It had to be. This wasn't Issa's house. Issa wasn't here.

"DAD?"

Brody wished to disappear into the wall. He put his hands to his ears, hoping to drown the voice out. Issa was dead, dead, DEAD! A horrible trick, but just the sort of thing they'd try. Hadn't his father warned him about this sort of thing. They'll do and say anything to get away with what they've done...what they've done. They killed Issa! Focus, he'd have to focus. He couldn't let them get him. He drew himself up a bit, but stayed in the corner, watching and waiting. He wouldn't let them get him. He couldn't let father down.


	4. Reality TV

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Terzima - It was hard to writ to a certain extent. I'm glad you liked it. Thank you.

LilMisfit - It seemed the obvious choice for me to a missing scene about. Brody's state of mind is important. Thank you.

A/N Missing scene from 'Clean Skin'. Brody does an interview while walking in what appears to be a park. This taks place afterwards. This is a short one but more on the way.

* * *

"They want you to lose faith. They tell you you're country is the devil".

"They want you to lose faith in your Brother Marines. They tell you they aren't coming for you because you have no Military value."

"They tell you that your wife has her arm wrapped around someone else."

He shouldn't have agreed to the interview. He really just shouldn't have. Now he was worked up. He heard his answers to the questions swirling round his mind on repeat. All that crap about not losing faith that people would believe. They'd believe he was a hero who kept fighting, who didn't lose his faith.

"They want you to lose faith. They tell you you're country is the devil".

He had lost faith and he wasn't sure what to think about his country. He'd seen what they had done. He had watched Walden's press conference where he said those images of dead children were proaganda. He had seen the devestation and the grief. He had shared it. Walden had ruined so many lives. A rage like he'd never known had washed over him, leavng him with a burning desire to do something. To find that horrible fuck and make him pay.

His fingers were dancing of their own accord now and he could hear his own breathing, as he fought for control. He was after all still standing in the middle of the park with a camera crew near by. It wouldn't do to have a panic attack or become angry and hurt someone.

"They want you to lose faith in your Brother Marines. They tell you they aren't coming for you because you have no Military value."

They fucking weren't coming for him. It hadn't taken him long to lose faith in that idiotic fantasy. He had no value, not to his own people anyway. A piece of meat. Expendable and easily replaceable. In the end Nazir had dropped some bread crumbs as part of his plan. The CIA were all feeling so proud for rescuing him when in truth they had been played like a violin.

"They tell you, your wife has her arm wrapped around someone else."

He snorted bitterly - wasn't that the truth...and there he was, his best friend, standing chatting with the camera crew, laughing. Probably having a normal chat about normal stupid everyday shite. He wasn't stupid. He had seen the way Mike and Jess looked at each other. Glances of longing. He was in the way in his own home and family. Go on TV and tell everyone about not giving in and how good it was to be home. It's all lies.


	5. Let the games begin

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

lipamo - thank you for the reviews, fav and follow. Much appreciated. I miss the greatness of S1 as well.

A/N Missing scene. End of Episode 4, "Semper I". This takes place after Carrie and Brody in the rain. Beginning next morning.

* * *

Jess leans on the door frame watching him cook breakfast. He seems more relaxed and less anxious. She didn't really want to interrupt in case she was dreaming.

"You going to come in or just stand there admiring the view?", Brody asks.

He waits for her to come into the kitchen, clearly taken by surprise at his playful manner or perhaps by the fact he knew she was there. He'd sensed her eyes on him. Maybe he over did the playfulness, but she's going to have questions about the support group. Questions he woud have no truthful answers to.

* * *

"Thank you."

"For what?", Jess asks confused.

"For asking me to get help."

Brody went back to making breakfast without elaborating further.

Jess studies him further. Now he was whistling.

"So. How did the support group go?", she asks unable to wait any longer.

There it was. Brody smiles before turning around.

Passing Jess a plate with scrambed eggs on it Brody answers, "alright. I didn't really have to say much. They go easy on you first meeting. But just seeing others there helped."

Jess wanted to pinch herself. The difference in his demeanor from the past few days was surreal.

"So you'll go back?"

"Morning", Chris mumbles coming into the kitchen.

The interruption of replying provides Brody the chance to compose himself.

Looking at Jess he answers, "yes. I'l go back."

"Go back where?", Chris asks looking between the two of them.

"Support group."

"Oh", Chris replies, head down, refusing to meet his father's eyes, as Jess smiles.

"Hurry up with breakfast so I can get you to School!", Jess says to Chris.

"See you later", she says giving Brody a kiss on the cheek.

Brody smiles, nodding his head.

"Daannaa. Hurry up!", he hears Jess shout as she leaves the kitchen.

* * *

Brody enjoys the soothing effect of the hot water from the shower cascading down over him, heating and relaxing simultaneously. He'd had a horrible couple of days or perhaps he'd been horrible for a couple of days would be more accurate. He'd been like a caged animal, out of control.

He'd been given a kick the night before. It had focused his ever wandering mind, slapped down the petty vindictive thoughts that had been swimming around in his head and temporarily killed the nervousness and anxiety that were plaguing him. Oh yeah, Carrie Mathison had given in a wake up call. She wasn't buying his answers at Langley anymore than he was buying her being at that support group was an accident.

She was dangerous and yet he felt something stir within him that just wasn't there with Jess, someone who knew.

* * *

"Brody, you awake? Brody?", Jess asks with hope.

He ignores her, keeps his eyes shut as tight as possible and eventually hears her lie down. He just couldn't stomach another attempt, his skin crawled at the thought. He was sleeping on the floor again. Partly so he wouldn't hurt Jess and because he just wasn't comfortable. He knew it hurt her but there was nothing he could do about it. He felt nothing for her in that sense anymore and he saw her flinch whenever she caught sight of one of his scars. He wasn't the man she wanted home. This brought its own frustrations as it is not how it should be. But then nothing was as it should be.

He was fed up being poster boy for all he PR bollocks and fed up with all the fucking dancing around Jess and Mike. It aggrevated him and made him want to lash out. Everybody knew and no one fucking told him. Well, to be fair to Dana, she had tried. He'd already realised by then anyway, but at least she'd tried.

He had no conrol over most of what was going on and he didn't like it. But it seemed the more he tried to control his life, the more he fucked up. He wanted something to hold onto, something to make him feel something other than frustration and anger and Carrie Mathison had done just that.

On the one hand, it was a bad idea to even think about trying to see her and on the other, he could use it to find out what she knows.

He felt the pull though, like a moth to a flame. All he had to do was find a way to see her again.


	6. Fine Lines

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Lipamo, Terzima and LilMisfit - thank you so much. I'm glad that you are liking it. Also glad to have people to share it with. Love C &amp; B as well.

Terzima - here you go, Carrie's next morning.

A/N Missing scene from end of Semper I. Because Carrie was smiling in the rain. Takes place next morning/night.

* * *

**Morning**

"Pass the syrup, Carrie."

"Huh, what?"

"Never mind. I'll get it myself", Maggie replies exasperated.

Carrie looks up to find Maggie staring at her curioulsy as though trying to work out a puzzle. She feels a little uneasy.

"What?", she asks defensively.

"There's a twinkle in your eyes. I'm just trying to decide if I should get excited and ask what his name is or not bother because it is something to do with work."

Carrie splutters her juice over the table.

"What his whose name is?", Frank asks, walking into the kitchen.

Carrie groans.

"He who may or may not have put a twinkle in Carrie's eye", Maggie replies.

"Boyfriend?" Frank questions with a grin.

"No!", Carrie answers emphatically. "No boyfriend. I've made inroads with a suspect, that's all."

"Ugh", Maggie snorts in disgust. "Just when there was hope, she taketh it away. Now, I'm going to work."

Carrie watches Maggie leave feeling distinctly rattled. At least she put her off. She looks up to find her dad staring at her intently.

"What is it this time?", she asks.

"So, you have a suspect do you?"

"Yes", Carrie replies relieved to be back on the subject of work."

"Hmm. Do all suspects make you glow, then?", Frank asks with a twinkle of his own.

"Maggie's got it wrong dad", Carrie replies as convincingly as she could muster.

"Ye. She has, hasn't she", Frank agrees.

Carrie smiles, thankful this interogation is over.

"For a start she didn't push nearly enough. You CIA folk aren't the only ones with secrets. Dads have them too and among them is knowing what is going on with your children and leaving them wondering how you know. So, whenever you feel like sharing his name, I'll be glad to hear all about it", Frank finishes, turning his attention to the crossword in his paper.

Carrie stares at her dad. She could ask him how he knows, but that would mean admitting it and she can't do that.

* * *

**Night time**

She stepped out of the shower, drying herself. The shower was supposed to help, to calm and soothe her. No chance, particularly not as the image of him doing the same seems to be invading her mind. She was glowing was she? She was pretty sure she'd smiled in the rain last night too. This was an extremely irritating development. She was not, could not be interested in him. She pulled on her pyjamas, whilst the rebelious part of her wasn't giving up without a fight. She was absolutely interested. It had been a risk to make contact with him, but she had been desperate. She'd gotten used to his daily routine and was not happy at being cut off from it. That in itself screamed of reasons to keep away from him, but then she always had to do what she wasn't supposed to and he would without a doubt fall into the don't do category.

There was no point worrying about what she had done. Now she had to find a way to weave herself into his life. She smiles once again as she climbs into bed.


	7. Wing Mirror

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Terzima &amp; LilMisfit - thank you.

Luckyu - thank you and you're welcome.

Lipamo - Lol. Yes, Frank knows his daughter.

A/N Missing scene from Blind spot. Brody's state at various points in the episode centered around the razor blade. My take.

* * *

Even the coldest of men with the coldest of gazes have family, maybe children to go home to. As he somehow became fluent in Arabic without really trying, he would hear Hamid speak occasionally to someone, about his family. He often wondered how he could do what he did every day and then go home and be a husband and be a father. Now he knew he was going to find out. This was it really starting.

His own cold, steely gaze reflecting back at him, Brody put the razor blade in his top pocket. He knew what he had to do.

* * *

Knowing and doing are different matters entirely. Easy to think you can do something, not so easy to do it. Brody just wanted to get home now. He kept checking for signs anything was wrong, paranoia and guilt eating away at him.

* * *

Mike is a good punchbag these days for him to take his frustrations out on, but as he paces in the bathroom he concedes the punchbag may just have won this round.

He stands in front of the mirror again, looking for an answer he knew he wouldn't find. Even mirrors didn't tell the whole truth. There's always a blind spot.

He sighs and with his own weary and exhausted gaze reflecting back at him, Brody pulls the razor blade out of his top pocket and puts it in the bin.

* * *

_"For 8 years we used to pray for you to be alive. Now, we pray that you'll be ok."_

He lets his son's words swim in his mind. His family, his wife and children. They care and yet he can't escape the looks and the discomfort. He isn't a good father and he isn't a good husband. He isn't even a good soldier.

The cold logic that had been so in control this morning, deserted him at the crucial point. He should be glad of that, but he's not sure he is.


	8. Opportunity Knocks

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N Missing scene for The Good Soldier. I may do a second one. We'll see. This one takes place after Brody has flattened Mike and leading up to him calling Carrie. Caution for swearing.

* * *

He'd been driving for a while trying to cool off, but it wasn't working. He was still wound tighter than the string of a bow. He gripped the steering wheel tightly, until his knuckles turned white. He had to get off the road before he caused a fucking accident. He pulled into a parking lot.

He couldn't go home and frankly he didn't want to. Go home to the stares that said we should have told you, but you're out of order in equal measure. Go home to see her comforting him and cleaning him up. Go home for more confirmation he didn't fit or belong anymore. Brody hit the steering wheel in frustration, setting off the horn and just about jumping out of his skin, his heart beat sky rocketing. His skin which he wasn't comfortable in anymore, which felt like it belonged to a different man as though it had been forced on him. He looked up to see people passing the car, staring at him. He stared back until they looked away. He was fed up with the fucking staring. Maybe he should run through the streets of D.C. naked and let everyone have a right good fucking look at their war hero.

Brody gripped steering wheel yet tighter again,closing his eyes for relief and finding none. Tom, always there at the front of his mind speaking to him and taunting him.

"_Well, you wanted to live brother...so here you are."_

Brody banged his head off the head rest, trying to make it stop. But it didn't stop, just like he hadn't stopped. He could hear Tom laughing in his head with a reassurance that it wouldn't ever stop.

He forced his eyes open, realising as he did so, that his breathing was heavy. Looking out the window, his eyes fell on the bar. He needed something to take the edge off and a drink would do to start with. He loosened his grip on the steering wheel.

_"Fuck", _Christ that hurt. Brody looked at his right hand, swollen and a mess. Jesus.

* * *

His eyes darted aroud upon entering the bar, looking for escape routes. He could feel them dancing around in his sockets. No one paid him any attention. Surprised, but grateful, he headed straight for the bar and ordered bourbon. That ought to do the trick.

"You want ice for that?", the bar man asked.

Brody looked at him trying to gauge if he were serious, "who the fuck taks ice in bourbon?", he questions, wondering how fucking stupid did people get while he was in his hole.

The bar man laughed, "not for your bourbon, man. You're hand. You want ice for that? Looks pretty swollen."

Brody looks at him feeling stupid, surprised at the kindness. Gathering himself, he replies, "ye, that might be a good idea. Thanks."

* * *

The bar man returns with an ice pack for Brody's hand.

"You ok, man?", he asks, looking at Brody's hand again.

Brody quite often found himself snapping at folk these days, but the man's genuine concern halted any thoughts of doing that to him.

"Ye. Well, no, but ye...", Christ form a sentence, Sergeant Brody. He shook his head trying to clear his mind and spoke again, "my best friend's face collided with my fist", he says matter of factly.

"Ah, it's like that", the bar man says. "Well, I hope his face hurts more", he finishes as he moves to serve another customer.

"So the fuck do I", Brody adds malevolently, to the bar man's retreating back.

* * *

His hand is numb and he doesn't care. Nursing his drink and feeling sorry for himself, he realises is not getting him anywhere. He needed to do something.

_"CIA"_

Brody whips his head up and looks for the owner of the voice. He finds the TV where the news reader is talking about Langley. Langley!

"_Mother fucking shit."_

He has a polygraph tomorrow. He can't take a fucking polygraph in this state. In the end, he hadn't passed Hamid that razor blade, but he'd been paranoid ever since leaving that someone had noticed something.

"_Shit on a fucking stick."_

He'd only need to hear the words razor blade and he'd fall apart. He downed his Bourbon, shouting for another one as he did so. He needed to get it called off. How the fuck was he supposed to do that? He ran his not messed up hand over his face, feeling a smile creep over his lips, as his hand passed them, as though wiping away the doubt and worry. He smiled. Carie Mathison, Miss CIA. He had her number and he had been looking for an excuse, bad idea though it was, to see her. She was far too interested in him for a start, but he didn't want to marry her, he just wanted to take the edge off. He was certain that she would come even if she smelled bullshit. In fact, he was certain the more bullshit she smelled, the faster she would get here. He fished his phone out of his pocket and called her.


	9. His round

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Liamo and Terzima - thak you both so much. It is good to know you are still enjoying.

LilMisfit - thak you as ever. I love digging into Brody's mind...and you know what they say...Don't worry, be happy :) ...

A/N Caution for swearing. Missing scene between Brody taking the polygraph and Carrie getting in the car. Miss CIA is not amused, but she should look on the bright side...after all, it is almost the weekend...

* * *

She's wandering along the corridors, vaguely aware of people passing by her. She knows the building so well, her feet take her to where she needs to be, leaving her mind free to wander and it is wandering off in several diretcions.

_"No."_

The word echoes in Carrie's head. She sees the scene as if she were still back there looking into Brody's blue eyes. He is staring straight back at her through the glass, face unreadable to everyone but her.

"_No."_

Saul had said something to her and she responded, but still later on, the word bounces around in her head, refusing to leave her alone.

"_No."_

Because it is a lie and she knows it, but can't share that knowledge. So now she is silently frustrated. She's just revealed her hand to him. It wouldn't have mattered if the machine had caught the lie because she could have taken the shit then, but not now that he's beat it.

At least she knows he is capable and no word out of his mouth is to be trusted. Those eyes can't be trusted. Those same blue eyes that had looked at her with fire and a smouldering lust not that long ago.

_"Stop it. No!", _she menatlly scolds herself, before snorting. There it is again that word. "No." Where the fuck was it last night in the back seat of the car? She's supposed to be the one gathering information on him, but she feels like the world just turned upside down on her. She suddenly feels like the prey. Because where the fuck did he come from? This man who had no problems with her when he can't even sleep in the same bed as his wife and she can't help the smug grin that she feels forming on her face, wrong as it is. So wrong, so very wrong and she's aware that is exactly why she's so attracted. But, who gave him permission to throw her off balance and tilt the scales? It shouldn't be possible, yet he just had. What happened to the man who was in no state to take a polygraph?

She stops suddenly, as her feet engage with her mind again, "fucking, fuck...that fucking...", she all but yells, furious now with herself, him and everyone in between. She happened to him. Oh, how fucking stupid did she want to be? Well, that was debatable she argues with herself. She is after all the one who told him why he needed to take the polygraph in the first place. Walking fast and hard now, trying to pound some of her fury out onto the floor, she doesn't even notice the stares from colleagues, as she bulldozes her way along another corridor. He'd found the perfect way to get rid of his tension and stress. The perfect way to clear his mind, just in time for a polygraph. Her! He fucking used her and now he was mocking her. His eyes were mocking her. Those eyes laced with a challenge, daring her, because he knows. He knows she had that question asked and he knows she quite enjoyed herself last night. He knows. It doesn't improve her mood, because she would not be able to deny either of those things. Smug Bastard. Still, he doesn't really know who he is dealing with. If he thought one go in the back of a car made him an expert, she'd soon put him right on that idea. One thing he wouldn't know about her yet is that she'd never met a dare she didn't like.


	10. Conflicted Reality

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit – Ditto. The scene was just deliciously teasing and frustrating, simultaneously. Thank you.

Lipamo – thanks. Got a couple of ideas for the later episodes starting to form.

Indigo – thanks for all the reviews. The psychology of it all is the reason Brody is my favourite. I don't think they have ever actually confirmed who it was that gave him the razor blade.

Terzima – thank you…it didn't make much sense to me either… though I did just come to the conclusion she thought she may be able to catch him in a lie if he were drunk.

A/N The weekend was just a fantastic and basically perfect episode. Missing scene - Carrie and Brody's trip to the waterfall.

* * *

She is relaxed, but on edge.

"Carrie, come in. The water's nice", Brody shouts to her, before doing another lap.

He'd jumped in almost as soon as they'd gotten to the waterfall. She's been watching him and it soothes her to see him so apparently relaxed. It worries her that it soothes her. It worries her that she's been sharing feelings with him, a man she suspects might be a terrorist and, yet, somehow it is comforting. Because he just gets it.

Looking up, Carrie is suddenly fearful. Her breath catches in her throat and fear takes hold for a second.

"BRODY!", she yells as loudly as she can, but there's no sign of him.

"BRO…"

Suddenly, he appears to the surface right in front of her, pulling her into the water with a laugh.

"Brody! That's not funny. I thought you had drowned", Carrie gives him into trouble, as soon as she is able.

"Well, you were off in your own little world and weren't answering me. So, I thought I'd come give you a hand."

"A hand…give me a hand", Carrie says indignantly. "You almost gave me a heart attack."

"Sorry", Brody replies, with the good grace to look upset.

"It's ok…just, don't do that again, ok."

He nods his head at her and Carrie marvels at the fact this man she suspects, can look so vulnerable, but at the same time she knows that should not be a surprise. He was vulnerable for such a long time and will be for the rest of his life. He is a conundrum.

* * *

"So, what were you thinking about?", Brody asks.

"Nothing", she replies too quickly, as Brody raises his eyebrow at her.

Carrie sighs, unsettled by how easy he can knock her off her game. She can't even tell if he's trying. That's how bad it is. What if he's genuine and her suspicious mind is going to mess it all up?

"Just things. Mainly work. It's a mess."

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Can't", Carrie answers with a smile.

"Right of course", he answers, all the while surveying her.

Carrie feels as though he is x-raying her. She refuses to look away. Those blue eyes are so expressive and hauntingly beautiful. A waterfall all of their own, mapping out 8 years of hell through all the tears that must have fallen, trickled and cascaded down his face.

She shouldn't feel for him, but the tightening in her chest when she thought he had drowned says she already does. How could she not? When he is damaged as she is and, he understands the horrors she has seen, when she understands why he doesn't want to and can't be intimate with his wife.

He's moving closer to her and she reaches out to touch his face. She doesn't know whose lips touch whose first and she doesn't care. It may be wrong, but in this moment, it feels right and she loses herself in the kiss, right along with him.


	11. Identity Crisis

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Indigo – thank you very much. I hoped it would be moving.

Lipamo – thank you also. I've got loads I want to write. So much, I need to write something down as soon as I think of it, so I don't forget.

A/N - another missing scene from The Weekend. After Brody's tears at the end. I know that in season 3 Jess says she hasn't worked since Dana was born or something, but in S1 ep 2 (I think) she is going to work. Think the writers just forgot.

* * *

Dana looks at the clock on her bedside table…3am. She groans. She is thirsty, but can't be bothered moving as it is too warm in her room. What seems like forever, but in reality is only a minute or two later, Dana relents as a combination of the heat and her thirst force her to pull herself out of bed.

She is heading towards the kitchen when she hears sobbing from the sitting room. She cautiously approaches and, now standing in the doorway to the sitting room, she sees her dad on the couch, eyes shut and sobbing. He doesn't even realise she is there. She turns around and goes to her mom and dad's room, hand raised to open the door, to wake her mom to come and help him, but then something stops her. The tension is through the roof. She isn't clueless like Chris. She sees. Her mom just can't help dad. She doesn't know what to do and he won't let her in anyway.

She makes up her mind and goes to the linen cupboard and pulls out two blankets. She doesn't think he would want to talk right now. He'd put his guard up and pretend he is ok as soon as he realises she'd seen. Going into the kitchen, as quietly as she can, she gets herself a drink of water and sits, waiting. The house is eerily quiet, as though the house itself is mourning. Her dad's presence is not the comforting one she had missed and mourned for. She misses the happy feelings - the attempted sneaking out of bed on Christmas Eve at the age of 4, only to be caught by him.

_She listens carefully for noises outside her door, but it's all quiet, just like it says in "the night before Christmas". _

"_Shhhh", she says to Pooh bear, before opening her bedroom door. The lamp in the hall is on, but mommy and daddy always leave that on for her at night time in case she needs the toilet. She toddles down the hall towards the sitting room, not seeing the pair of amused eyes that pop out from behind the bathroom door. _

"_Look at all the lights", Dana says to pooh bear, pointing at the Christmas tree . She's amazed. "They're lovely." _

"_Yes they are, but someone is supposed to be in bed. Otherwise Father Christmas won't come."_

_Dana slowly turns around to see her Daddy standing there. As she meets his eyes, she realises he isn't mad and relaxes a little. But then frowning asks ,"shouldn't you be in bed as well then, Daddy?_

_Brody has to use all the self-control he has to not laugh at that. _

_Kneeling down to Dana's eye level, he gestures for her to come closer. _

"_Do you know what Daddy realised?", he asks, whispering._

"_No", Dana replies whispering, eyes wide. _

"_Well Daddy realised we hadn't left out the milk or cookies and thought that he better do that because we don't want Father Christmas going hungry or thirsty, do we?"_

"_No!", Dana shakes her head seriously this time, pigtails flying about. _

_Standing up, Brody holds his hand out for Dana, "let's get you back to bed."_

"_And Pooh bear", Dana says, yawning._

"_And Pooh bear", Brody agrees, smiling._

Dana stifles a laugh at the memory, but also has to wipe away tears. She is used to it. She'd learned quickly after he was declared MIA that was how it was going to be. Each happy memory accompanied by tears of that loss and of the never having it again.

Soft snoring catches her attention and she quietly gets up and goes into the sitting room. He's sleeping now, but shivering. Just as well she brought the blankets. She leans over to cover him with one, putting out the light, before cuddling in next to him on the couch and covering herself.

She remembers they used to do this when she was younger. The last Saturday of the month, mom would go out with her friends from work and Dana and Brody would cuddle up on the couch, watching a movie. She wasn't supposed to get too much popcorn and was supposed to be in bed by 9pm. But she and dad always broke those rules and dad would always say he wouldn't tell, if she didn't and she would giggle. She cuddles in closer, wishing they could back to when she was five; when her dad was always there when she needed and was just her dad. Closing her eyes, she drifts off to sleep.

* * *

Groggily, Brody wakes up in the darkness of the sitting room. He gives his eyes a few moments to adjust to the darkness. He doesn't remember switching the light off or getting the blanket he can feel, now draped across him.

As he moves to put the light on, he becomes aware of the weight against him. Carefully extracting his arm, Brody switches the light back on to find Dana cuddled against him.

He reaches over and brushes the hair out of her face, taking in how young she still is despite having grown up…without him there. He takes in the fact that she must have been the one to put the blanket over him and switch off the light.

"Shit", he mumbles to himself. "Shit, shit, shit!"

He wonders if he woke her up when he checked in on her. He'd needed to check on her and Chris when he came in, to make sure they were there and ok. To make sure they were real, because everything else is fucked up and so unreal.

He hopes she didn't see him crying and just found him asleep. He'd cried until he physically had no more tears left to give and he must have fallen asleep then.

* * *

Dana mumbles something in her sleep and Brody hugs her tighter until she settles back down.

He closes his eyes, but sleep is now evading him. His mind is swimming and too full. Full of Carrie's comforting words and touch. So real, but now out of reach, and he laments the loss, but it's the way it has to be, because she was so close in more ways than one.

He'd been granted a reprieve, but it had come with a price of its own. Tom is alive and he doesn't know what to do with that, how to feel? Relieved that he hadn't killed him or angry that they tricked him? He murdered him or at least he believed he had. What does he know? What if Tom knows what he is supposed to be preparing for? He feels the panic rising in his chest. There's a chance to put all of it onto Tom. He simultaneously agrees with himself and is repulsed. He physically feels sick, feels the bile rising in his throat. Is this who he is now? Tom was one of his best friends, but this is what it has come to. Everything used to be easy, make sense and now almost nothing makes any sense.

* * *

Her mum used to say she could sleep through a thunderstorm given how hard it used to be to wake her up in the mornings. Since dad had come home, she has been sleeping lightly. As soon as the light came back on, Dana was on alert, but she doesn't open her eyes. He hasn't moved, but she can practically hear him thinking. She risks opening one eye to glance quickly at him. His eyes seem to be dancing behind their sockets. His breathing is faster, but Dana can tell he hasn't gone back to sleep. It is the sort of breathing when someone is panicking. She notices he is shaking. Dana closes her eyes and does the only thing she can think of to bring him out of whatever it is. She kicks her blanket off of herself.

* * *

A soft thump brings Brody out of his thoughts. He sees the blanket Dana had over herself has fallen to the floor. Reaching down to pick it up, he notices his hands are shaking. Shaking with the stress of the lies he's living, of what he is supposed to do and how he's not sure he can or wants to anymore; the confusion of not knowing who he is and wanting to do the right thing, but constantly finding the lines blurred. He puts the blanket back over Dana and switches out the light, not wanting to wake her again.

"Love you dad", Dana mumbles sleepily.

Brody is startled for a second as Dana also, once again, cuddles in closer to him. Is she awake or is she mumbling in her sleep? He can't be sure, but hearing those words bring tears of their own. All the confusion about who he is, who he should be, answered with one word. Just one…Dad! He reciprocates the cuddle and the words.

"Love you, Dana."


	12. Cracks in Psyche

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. I don't own Ice Age either unfortunately. That would be cool. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N I ended up watching the end of the weekend before watching Achilles Heel, Crossfire and Representative Brody (all on same disc). Damian, Claire and Mandy are just outstanding in these episodes, as was the writing.

This one is a missing scene from Achilles Heel after Brody has found out that Tom is alive, but before he delivers his message that he is "out". His emotions are all over the shop.

* * *

"I'm Scrat."

"What, dad?"

Brody jumps up from the couch to find Dana standing in front of him.

"I thought you'd gone out."

I did, but I forgot my phone", she answers looking at him suspiciously. "You ok?"

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine", Brody replies distracted, sitting back down. You just startled me."

"Riggghht. So, what were you saying?"

"Scrat", Brody points at the TV screen.

Dana comes further into the room to see the TV.

"You're watching Ice Age again? Dad, you are such a child!"

"Well, like you said I missed the three of them. I'm catching up."

"Okay, then. I'm away this time."

"See you later, sweetie."

* * *

The door bangs behind Dana and Brody feels the world outside disconnect from him.

"Scrat, that's who I am, Scrat. The useless squirrel who causes chaos trying to get to his food."

Brody looks up as though expecting someone to say something.

"Shit, now I'm talking to myself and looking for answers."

Fingers dancing across the arm of the couch, he tunes out Ice Age. Opening and shutting his eyes every 30 seconds or so, restlessly. When he closes his eyes, Tom is dying, dead and buried, because of him and by him. He remembers the sickening sound every time his fist hit its mark with each punch.

When he opens his eyes in the present, Tom Walker is alive. He feels sick and betrayed which is ironic because he had felt sick and treacherous when punching the living daylights out of Tom and when he had needed and taken Nazir's comfort afterwards.

Standing up suddenly, pacing back and forth, the bile rises in his throat. Nazir had tricked him and he felt like a fucking idiot for not realising it before. He'd been used and deceived and he can't help the laugh that escapes him as the word crosses his mind, because he's become quite good at deceiving people himself in aid of carrying out Nazir's mission.

Carrie Mathison was all over him like a rash. It hadn't been as difficult as he had imagined, the lying and the turning it back on to her. He knows why. Because every lie he told, he wanted to believe himself. He wanted it to be true. That he was a good man and just a victim. Who he wants to be desperately, but not who he is.

Sitting down again, running his hands through his hair and down over his face, his emotions following the same path. The lying had been easy, but the walking away from her not so much. Necessary though it had been to distance himself from her, it had been difficult because he'd felt it too. That part of it had been real and now it just couldn't be.

"Aggghh", Brody lets out a scream of rage and it echoes around the empty house. Standing up, he aims a kick at the couch.

"Fuckkk!", a different scream escapes him. Now he's hopping mad. Laughing in despair at his own terrible joke and the situation he has himself in, he sits down with the toes on his left foot throbbing. He has a decision to make, because it has become abundantly clear to him that he can't cope with being two people. Carrie understands in a way that Jess never will, but she's too close to him, too dangerous and he has the kids to think about as well.

It's all too much for him. The walls are closing in on him. It's hard to breath. He's going to go crazy. He'll destroy everyone he cares about, he'll rip everything to pieces and he doesn't want to be that man. Panic setting in now, taking a hold of him and not letting go. He has to decide now.

"Shit", Brody topples over at the loud banging noise. Soon as he is able, he's on his feet assessing his surroundings. His eyes fall on the TV screen where the volcano has just erupted.

"Fucking Scrat".

Running his hand through his hair again, he's aware of his heart pounding against his chest. It's telling him he's still here. He's alive, but he doesn't feel it. He feels apart from everything and everyone. The double life needs to stop now.

He knows where he's going for the first time since he got home. He's out and he's anxious to get the message across, to make it real and get that weight off his chest. Saying it out loud will make it real and once he's done that he can truly go home and start his life again.

* * *

Sitting, waiting for Al-Zahrani to come home, Brody figured he'd make himself comfortable in a chair. The news is all about Tom. Alive, breathing, heart beating and dangerous. Brody balls his fists up. It can't be true. He beat the shit out of him and buried him. But reality liked to kick you in the nuts. It was true. Alive, Tom Walker is alive and they let him think he was dead. So, he waits and eventually he hears the front door. Al-Zahrani is home. Out, he needs out now and he's going to tell them. He's done.


	13. From one extreme to the other

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N Crossfire - Missing scene tagged on to the end of the episode. This episode was moving and so sad.

* * *

"So?", Jess stares at him expectantly.

Brody shrugs his shoulders, "I don't know why they bothered leaving a message at all - it was so vague."

Brody can feel Jess staring at him and it isn't helping his agitation.

"For goodness sake Brody, what did they say?"

Silently wishing himself to calm down, he made a show of washing the apples to be cut up. It wouldn't do to snap at her. He really needed time to think.

"That someone from the Veep's office wants to speak to me."

"That's it?", Jess asks in disbelief.

"Yeah, that's it."

"Did the say when they'll call back."

"No."

"And you have no idea what it is about?"

Brody gripped the glass he was drinking out of so hard, it's a miracle he didn't break it. Setting it down before he did just that, he answers Jess, "No. Guess I'll find out when they call back."

"Ok then. I guess we will", suspicion lacing her tone. Though Brody thought that was because she suspected why they might be calling rather than him already knowing for certain why they're calling…at least he hoped so.

"Brody…BRODY!"

"Shit, Jess. What the fuck?"

"You wandered off on me…looked like you were somewhere far away."

Brody moved forward on instinct. He knew where she thought he was and she wasn't quite right, but not wrong either. "Hey, I'm right here. I was just thinking about what they want. That's all." Seeing that she doesn't seem entirely reassured he pulls her in for a hug and holds her there for a while. It strikes him that he just can't help it. The lies. They tumble out of his mouth without him even thinking about it. Out they come, fully formed. When the hell had he learned to do it so well? He'd been a terrible liar as a kid. His mother never seemed to be done giving him a clip round the ear.

"I wish we could take this into the bedroom", Jess says smiling. "But unfortunately I promised Dana she could come with the girls to the cinema tonight."

"Well maybe we can pick it up when you get back", Brody replies suggestively. He made a mental note to make sure he was sound asleep.

"Chris has had his dinner and is working on some art project for School."

Brody nods his head in acknowledgement before becoming startled.

"How long will you be?", he asks trying to hide the fear in his voice.

"Can't wait, Sergeant Brody, huh", Jess says teasingly. "We'll be back by 11pm at the latest. Jess puts her arms around him and pulls him in for a long kiss. "I promise. Catch you later, Sergeant."

Brody is stock still with shock though Jess probably interprets it as something else. He hears her shouting on Dana and saying goodbye to Chris.

"You and your dad have fun."

The realisation hits Brody, "fuck."

"You, ok dad?"

Brody looks up to find Dana standing there.

"Yeah, just remembered I forgot the jar of pickles off the shopping list."

"Right. Well, if I were you, since they're mom's favourite, I'd play the sympathy card and tell mum you did get them, but the jar got smashed in your fight."

Brody laughs, but then abruptly stops, looking at Dana raiding the fridge before she leaves. When the hell did she get so good at lying?

"See you later, Dad."

"Have a nice time", he shouts to her retreating back, exiting the kitchen.

"We will."

* * *

The sound of the front door banging shut is the cue for his panic to set in. Not ten minutes ago, he wanted Jess to shut up so he could think, but now he found he didn't like all the thinking time. His head was so messed up.

"Dad", Chris's voice calls out from the sitting room, both a blessing and a curse. He'd have to go and see what he wants which means distraction.

"Daadd!"

"Give me a minute", Brody shouts back at him. But, the last time he was alone with Chris, he'd been such a mess, he had spent 5 hours hiding in the corner of his room leaving Chris alone. He couldn't do that again.

"What is it, Chris?"

"Do you think this looks ok?", Chris asks handing Brody the paper.

Brody stares at the drawing in disbelief and finds himself swamped with emotion. He takes it all in.

"Is it terrible?"

Brody hears the self-doubt and fear in his son's voice. He looks down to find Chris staring up at him with a pleading look on his face.

"No, Chris. It isn't terrible. I…I just…" Brody sits down next to Chris, "where did you learn to draw like this?", Brody asks taking in the sketch of the four of them. "It's fantastic."

Chris blushes under the praise, but shrugging his shoulders answers, "I just liked to draw. GJ said…", Chris suddenly stops, shrinking into himself, head down as though he'd been given into trouble for doing something wrong.

"Chris", Brody speaks softly, but gets no answer at first. "Chris, it is ok, you know, you can speak about mom." Still getting no answer, Brody kneels down in front of Chris now and lifts his face up. Brody is startled to see tears.

"Chris, what's wrong?"

"It's not fair. She fought for you every day. She said you'd come home. She should be here!"

Brody does the only thing needed, he pulls his son into his arms and lets him cry like he was still a baby.

* * *

Once Chris had calmed down enough Brody made them hot chocolate, putting extra marshmallows on top of Chris's.

"So, what did GJ say then?", Brody asks, sitting back down next to Chris.

"She said…"

Brody nods his head encouragingly at Chris.

"She said, I was a natural and I got it from you."

"You're better than me by the looks of it."

Chris blushed again, but Brody was telling the truth. In fact he'd spoke more truth in the last 10 minutes than in the entire time since he had come home.

"When I started asking for you, GJ would always tell me stories."

"What about your mom?"

"She just cried."

Brody nodded his head. He understood.

"And sometimes would argue with GJ."

"What would they argue about?", Brody asked, curious.

"GJ telling me that one day you'd come home and encouraging me to draw for you. It upset mom to find my drawings all over the house. So, GJ bought me my own sketch set where I could keep my drawings."

Brody fights for control of his emotions, but manages to speak, "do you still have them?"

Chris looks at him surprised, but nods his head in answer.

"Can I see them?"

Chris wordlessly gets up and leaves the sitting room.

* * *

Brody looks up as Chris comes back in with his treasure held tightly in his hand. Nervously he hands it over.

Brody opens up the book in which Chris had collated pictures he had drawn and is startled to see so many. Clearly he hadn't stopped once his Gran had died.

The book mapped out his son's life. There were the drawings that were little more than scribbles from when he was really young. Then there were the drawings where clearly he was learning his letters.

Brody laughed and Chris looked at him anxiously. Brody pointed out a drawing to him, "did you inherit my spelling skills as well?"

"That was Dana's fault. She told me it started with K."

Brody laughed even more at the drawing which had been signed 'Kriss', in the messy writing of a child.

"Uh, huh. Blame your sister."

"I wasn't even at Kindergarten yet!", Chris protested.

* * *

They sat for ages looking through Chris's drawings and having fun. So much so that Brody was startled to find it was just after 10 O'clock next time he looked at the time.

"Right you, go get ready for bed."

"But dad…"

"It's bed time, Chris", Brody repeats in a tone that leaves no room for argument.

I'll put these back in if you go brush your teeth and put your pyjamas on.

Brody hates clearing up, but he knows Chris hates it even more and knew he'd jump at the chance to get out of it. The truth was Brody would have happily sat for longer, but bed time is bed time especially on a School night.

"Daaad!"

Chris's shout startles Brody and he drops some of the drawings over the floor.

'Shit', he curses himself, inwardly. "What is it Chris?"

"The toothpaste is nearly done."

"You better leave some for the rest of us. I'll get more tomorrow."

Brody bends down, picking up the drawings he had dropped. Lifting up the last one, his breath catches in his throat. He hadn't noticed it earlier, but he notices it now and it hits him like a ton of bricks. A little black haired boy playing soccer with a red haired man. It was uncanny. He stared at it for so long, he didn't hear Chris come back in to stand next to him.

"Mike played soccer with me all the time, but he sucks."

Brody faces his son, hoping his emotions aren't betrayed on his face.

"Mike's ok."

"No, dad. He sucks at soccer and anyway, I always wanted to play with you."

"Goodnight, Chris", Brody hands Chris back his drawings.

"Night dad", Chris takes his drawings and leaves the sitting room, but Brody has hardly any time to gather his thoughts when his son is back in front of him and hugging him tight.

"I love you dad."

"I love you too." Brody watches Chris leave the room and eventually hears his room door shut. All the emotions he had been holding in for Chris's sake fight for control. He loves his son. He knows he does. He's just spent a fantastic few hours with him, but he feels like the worst dad ever. Because all he can think of now is Issa and that horrible bastard who calls himself the Vice President.


	14. The other side of

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

Lipamo – thank you! Glad you liked. I thought it was time to let Chris have some time with his dad.

A/N Missing scene - Representative Brody. Claire and Damian own this episode. It emphasised Brody &amp; Carrie's relationship (and I don't even mean the romantic sense).

Brody after having broken Carrie's heart…and mine! Was an excellent scene though!

* * *

His arm is raised and poised to chap the door to tell her he is stupid, to forget everything he'd just said, but he couldn't. He just couldn't. She is too close to him and him to her and he could not take that risk. He'd told her it was because of Jess and the kids. Another lie, but an easy one. That is what it should be about, but it isn't. He's made his choice now though and that is that.

He lets his hand fall to his side. He'd have to accept the part of being the bastard in this equation. He is the bastard in this equation. He could see the pain in her face as he severed their ties. If she thinks her heart is broken now, wait until she finds out she was right about him all along. She will hate him and he will deserve it. All the same, he can't quite bring himself to leave just yet. Sitting down outside her door, he knows he's just got one of the hardest parts over with.

He'd known that Jess would probably say no initially and talking to Mike had been a breeze. Just mention Iraq a couple of times and hey presto. No problem. No problem manipulating his wife and best friend. He didn't even feel that bad about it and he supposes that says it all about him these days. So, why? Why was this woman he hadn't known for that long able to have such a hold over him when they hardly knew each other?

Pulling himself to his feet, Brody knew he had to get out of there and away from her before the temptation to knock the door became too much.

But he stops as he notices the plants and struggles to understand why they matter so much. Why they have caught his attention. She takes care of them. That much is clear. She knows what she is doing. She took care of him too. When he had one of his nightmares at the Cabin. She didn't run screaming from him and she wasn't scared. She just knew exactly what to do. There was no flinching from his scars. No need to fear being naked in front of her. This is why she had a hold on him. She knew and understood him, the him that was here, not the him that everyone else wanted here and she knew it better than even she realised.

He lets out a quiet laugh as he realises he just compared himself to a plant for her. That would make her laugh, but whatever she was now doing he was sure laughing was not involved. There could be no more comforting kisses or stupidly dangerous fights with Nazis. He has to push it all away.

Staring at the window willing her to open the curtain, he becomes acutely aware that he cannot stand there all night. He has to go home. Home which felt so far away, when he was standing where he wanted to be. He was exhausting himself with all this emotion. He really needed rest for his meeting with Walden tomorrow and everything else. Being in that man's presence would take every fibre of self-control and patience he possessed. Here it was mercifully, but irritatingly in equal measure, the reason he has to go. Issa and the other children could not speak up for themselves. It is important that someone speaks for them and the only thing that matters now is making Walden pay for the pain he has caused. He has dismissed the misery and grief of those left behind without their children. Told them they don't matter with his lies. Brody could not, would not stand for it. Someone has to make Walden pay and it needed to come before his own comfort.

Perhaps if she knew he was suffering too she might feel better, but he doubted it almost as quickly as it had occurred to him. Soon, very soon she will be wishing pain of death on him. He turns his back on her front door now. He had upset her, but eventually that would give way to anger and when it did she could be a problem. He didn't like to think what he might have to do.

Pushing those horrible thoughts away as he walks to his car, he knew that he'd done it now. He could only hope she'd stay out of his way. Wiping away the traitorous tears, he forces himself in to his car and drives away. The path is set and there could be no going back. He'd said goodbye to Carrie Mathison.


	15. A Work of Art

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N Missing scene – all quotes from The Vest. Claire Danes, Damian Lewis and Mandy P are simply outstanding here. The episode itself was wonderfully written. The dialogue is just outstanding.

Saul as he's putting Carrie's timeline together on the wall.

* * *

They had a threat to National Security on the loose and his best agent was disintegrating in front of him. No to hell with that. His daughter was disintegrating in front of him. Panic had threatened to overwhelm him because he hadn't understood what was wrong with her and yet at the back of his mind, where all those doubts are stored until the day they can creep out on you, a door opened but not until Maggie explained it did he have complete clarity. Bipolar. She's Bipolar and she never said a word to him. It hurt him. She should have been able to tell him. He understood why she hadn't, but he should have noticed and been there for her.

No sense. She had made no sense at all. Rambled on at the speed of light, not even pausing for breath and clearly expecting him to know what she was talking about. Expecting him to back her up and he couldn't because he had been in shock. He felt like he was letting her down, but he was at a loss as to how to react and deal with what had been occurring in front of him. He pushed those thoughts away. They would not help him focus on the task at hand. Breathing in heavily to calm himself down, he knew that despite the fact that he was scared and worried for her he still trusted her. There had been times when he noticed little things and ignored them, pushing them away and hoping she was just having an off day. She still got results. He pushed his own fear about her judgment away for now.

Though he could make no sense of them to work out what she meant at the time, her words are burned into his skull as though someone had taken a branding iron to him. He had been of no use at the Hospital to make an attempt at figuring out what she was trying to tell him. Not when he was distraught and blindsided at seeing her like that.

"_I'm laser focused on green."_

Saul focused his eyes on the green. She'd been all about the green. No other colour was going to cut it at that precise moment. She'd been…well he didn't even know how to describe how she'd been when he pulled a green pen out of his bag.

"_Nazir's movements in green, after a fallow yellow always creeping towards purple are methodical, meaningful, momentous and monstrous."_

Saul has so many papers and realises now the key is in the colour. Green, the ever so important green came after the yellow, but creeping towards purple. But there's orange, red and blue as well.

"_This is red and blue, not red or blue."_

Saul looked around and couldn't see it. The piece of paper she had identified as being both. So, how could he tell where it should go? He had to get this right if he wanted to attempt to understand what she was trying to tell him. It's important to her and she thinks it can help stop Tom Walker.

Red. He'd start with red, because red was…red was 2001. He stared at it for a while. There is lots of red. Nazir had been particularly active. He remembered how personally she'd taken 9/11. How they'd missed so much and gotten it so wrong. The horror of watching it unfolding in front of them and the responsibility of not having stopped it, had left its mark on her.

As he worked tiredness did not touch him. He could focus only on the wall as it came together. He worked fast, but carefully. The wall is taking shape in front of him and it is becoming clearer with every red, orange, and green, blue and purple he puts on the wall. It's a timeline of Abu Nazir's activities.

"_Abu Nazir has methods and patterns and priorities."_

He studies the wall more closely. She'd mentioned yellow. No. Fallow yellow! That had been important to her, but he'd only come across one so far. It is the missing piece of the puzzle. An important period in Abu Nazir's life where he is just seemingly nowhere and doing nothing. Abu Nazir did not just do nothing.

"_A single sniper? No! Abu Nazir doesn't do that. He never has, he never will. He goes big, he explodes. He maims on mass. We know that."_

They did know that and now was the time to work it out before another attack occurred on American soil.

He heard the sound of her feet on the floor from above him indicating that she was awake and surveyed the wall as he waited for her to come downstairs, hoping that seeing it up there might in some way help her. She is the artist and he has simply put her work on display.


	16. Shrapnel

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

LilMisfit, Lipamo and Terzima - I am glad you all like the previous missing scene. Claire was just superb in that scene. Damian and Mandy were also outstanding in that episode. Also that is totally the Saul we need to see.

A/N Missing scenes from Marine One. Brody as he leaves the house to carry out his mission and Brody in the car park with Carrie after mission failed.

* * *

He could not physically or emotionally accept a hug from her, because it would undo everything before he even got in the car. He holds Dana at arm's length and sees the confusion and suspicion on her face. But he cannot comfort her, for he has no right. Emotions cloud the issue and make it difficult to think. There is no room for them here anymore.

He drinks in the sight of his daughter's face for the last time, as the car pulls away. It is etched with fear now.

She has understood him since he has come home and he prays that Allah will provide understanding once he is gone.

* * *

Hold it together, he has to hold it together. He hadn't planned for this. The actual explosion might not have happened, but one is going off right now in his head. All the lies to remember and mop up behind him. Everything he needed to hide. All of it is dancing around in his mind, fighting for priority of place. So much to do, so little time to do it. It is time for damage control.

It had been easy to say those things to her because he is angry. So fucking angry at her. For caring and getting to know him so much that she knew his one weakness. Live for his own children or die for someone else's. But now he's watching her fall apart in front of him so visibly the way he is falling apart on the inside and he can't allow himself to care.

She had known exactly how to stop him, but she hadn't thought about the aftermath. She hadn't thought about if she really did stop him. He isn't supposed to be alive. He is supposed to be dead. He'd prepared himself for being dead and now he's alive. What the fuck is he supposed to do with that? Self-preservation is what they beat into you. Like when they told him it was him or Tom and he chose him. She knew that, because he'd told her that himself. He'd confessed to Tom's murder. It didn't matter that he hadn't actually murdered him at that point. He thought he had…he would have. Now, even though he feels like someone is ripping him apart from the inside out, still he chooses himself. So he's going on instinct and now Carrie is a victim of the non-explosion because he can't let his daughter know of his shame. He can't let her know that he really was choosing to leave them all. H's vicious as he lands hard verbal blows on Carrie. It's therapy for everything he should be saying to himself. Everything he says is true except that it is him who would have done these things to his daughter. He needs Carrie Mathison out of the way. A reminder of his failure and shame he does not want and which of those he needs rid of most, he's not sure.

She crawls slowly into the back of her sister's car. He doesn't want to feel for her, can't allow himself to feel for her. It's a weakness that will be his undoing if he entertains it. His fists are clenched because if he unclenches them he's sure his hands will be shaking. The anger will dissipate and turn back on himself where he knows it belongs, but he can never allow it admittance.

She wanted him alive. His eyes harden as the car pulls away. Well, he's alive and she's paying a heavy price for it. So, now, he has a life to live.


	17. Back to Green

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N Another missing scene from Marine One. I think this is my last for S1. I am currently thinking about S2 missing scenes. I am not sure when I will start though.

Someone is plotting vengeance.

* * *

The room is deadly quiet. They knew better than to speak, their own anger no match for his no matter how calm he may appear to be. The disciplined fury bubbled away under the surface.

Bill Walden's face on every news channel did nothing to assuage that anger.

The news of Tom Walker's death particularly the suspicious nature of it is grabbing the headlines. If people wished to give the CIA or other government agents the credit he saw no reason to present otherwise. Tom was a loose end to be gotten rid of. It proved nothing to him in the end except that he now had another loose end that he needed ridding of as well. Albeit he would now be more difficult to get rid of.

Turning from the TV to the live feed of a darkened room he spoke, "are you there?"

"Yes."

He knows they long to ask who his source is, but although they are restless and risk glances at each other, they dare not ask. It gives him satisfaction.

"Explain?"

"He certainly took Walker out for you."

"I have seen the news. That is not what I was asking."

The sound of a nervous cough echoes across the live feed. He is in no mood to indulge people's fears. "Tell me now!"

"Our friend informs us that Nicholas took a call from his daughter whilst in the bunker. It seems that Carrie Mathison went to the family home to warn them of what he was going to do and the daughter phoned him."

"So, as suspected, the vest did not malfunction?"

"It did malfunction."

The tension in the room is palpable as hope resurfaces that Marine one has not been a waste of time after all.

"Explain."

The room holds its collective breath. Nazir controls his irritation with their current stupidity and silently waits for his answer.

"It malfunctioned the first time when it seems he was perfectly willing to go through with it. He went into the bathroom to fix it, but when he returned he took a call from his daughter and that was that. He promised her he would be home."

"He lied to me."

"It would not cross his mind you had someone else in that bunker perfectly willing to die keeping an eye on him just in case."

"My doubt has proven true."

Nazir allows the room to fill with silence until it is uncomfortable for everyone else. He cares not for their comfort. He thinks only of the betrayal of him and Issa.

"Nicholas is lost to us."

Silent acceptance is the only answer he receives as no one dares argue. "He can, however, still be of use. We will be patient. His video will keep."

"It is currently working its way to whom you requested."

Nazir nods his head in approval, knowing that though they cannot see his source on the live feed he can see them, "good. Tell him I will be in touch soon."

"As you wish."

The live feed disconnects. His source's ability to gauge what he wanted one of the few satisfying feelings of the past few days.

"Get out!"

The room empties fast leaving him on his own. He returns to the news and is met with more discussion around Bill Walden's announcement to run for presidency.

This will not stand. That man will never be President.


	18. See it all slip away

Disclaimer - I do not own Homeland. That pleasure belongs to Showtime. No copyright infringement or money making scheme intended. This is purely for reading enjoyment.

A/N S2 Missing scenes as promised! Starting with S2 ep 1 "The Smile. This one is slightly different. I have done a few here under the one chapter. I liked "The Smile" but thought it was a weird episode in that a lot happened, but a lot didn't happen if that makes sense. Hence these are shorter than others will be.

LilMisfit, Lipamo and Terzima – Thank you all. The car park scene was difficult, but one of the best IMO. Two of them are just awesome together in scenes together. I also love the relationship with Brody and Nazir. I have an idea for a fic about that which I am currently jotting ideas down.

A/N many, apologies to everyone for the length of time between updates. Sorry for keeping you waiting so long. Please let me know what you think.

* * *

The light shining out of the house and from the car illuminates Carrie's face. Frank can tell he shares more than just an illness with his daughter. He is as conflicted about letting her go as she is about going. It will destabilise everything she has put back together over the last few months.

Frank stands on the porch watching as the Depute Director introduces Carrie to someone. He can hear their murmurs of conversation, but not the words they are saying. Maggie is right. They all know it. Part of Carrie wants to go even as she knows it is not good for her. It's why he told Maggie to let her go because if Carrie wants to go she's going regardless of the risks. To force her to stay would only make it worse on all of them.

Frank can hear Maggie banging around inside. It reminded him of when they were children and Maggie would accuse him of taking Carrie's side and stomp about in the huff for hours afterward. How he wished it were a childish argument now.

Carrie looks round at him and nods her head slightly at him. He can see how nervous and unsure she is, but the next second she is in the car.

"She gone then?", Maggie asks crossly as she pokes her head out the front door.

"Yes!"

"She'll always leave us for them", Maggie says her words laced with anger and disgust. Frank does not reply or turn round. It is the same argument he has been having with both of them for years. One he cannot win with either of them.

"I'll make the dinner then!", Maggie says angrily. Though he does not turn round to look, Frank knows Maggie has gone back inside. He watches the car get farther away from the house until the lights are a speck in the distance and then there is just darkness.

* * *

"You are grounded", Jess says throwing her bag and keys down on the kitchen counter, turning to her daughter with her eyes full of fury.

"Whatever", Dana shrugs her shoulders.

"Don't talk to me like that, Dana? You wait until your father gets home!"

Dana isn't the slightest bit intimidated by her mother's angry routine, but she bites her tongue resisting the urge to throw it in her mother's face that she knew about dad being a Muslim and her mom didn't. She held back for her dad's sake only.

"I mean what are you trying to do to us? Finn Walden, the Vice President's son for goodness sake."

Dana wants to scream in frustration. That is all she is worried about. Disgusted, Dana retreats towards the comfort of her room.

"We're not done here, Dana", her mother shouts angrily after her.

Turning round, her own eyes now blazing every bit as much as her mother's, "since you are about as interested in me expressing my opinion as they are and only seem to be able to miss the point, yes, we are!"

Jess jumps slightly as Dana bangs her room door. She contemplates going after her, but decides against it given how angry both of them are. She's just down the hall, but Dana seems a million miles from her at this point.

* * *

He'd squeezed the arm of the chair tightly hoping to direct his anger there and keep it from showing on his face. It wouldn't do to look suspicious in front of the Depute Director of the CIA so he had schooled his features as best as he could, but he wouldn't have been surprised if his eyes were popping out of his head.

He had made his mind up earlier that he wouldn't do it, but here he is doing it. Roya had taken Estes out of the room and he'd pretended to battle with himself about it. The truth is the second Estes revealed himself as a player in Walden's Drone programme and had been so nonchalant about how many drones they had his mind had been made up for him. The second Estes made the mistake of insinuating those kids did not matter, however, indirectly and unaware of what the person sitting in front of him knew, Brody knew he was going to get that target list. He could hate himself for being weak and a puppet, but he'd always hate anyone involved in that Drone attack more.

He straightens himself back up as Estes walks back into his office. He could say goodbye to the relative peace and comfort of the last couple of months.


End file.
